I Want To See The World Ending

I want to see the world ending.

We live in a dying times. Brooding war between powerful nations, alarming depletion of natural resources, widespread bloodshed and violence, and a dying planet. Tell me, where do I find hope in this times?

We have reached the end of an era. We must be proud of ourselves. Human race has been able to last this long. But not for long. In case you haven’t realized it yet, we are the end. We are the specie Nature should never have given birth. We are the worst organism that has ever walked on this planet.

It’s a relief to see Nature finally striking back. We have done her so much wrong for so long that I’m left surprised why she hasn’t destroyed us yet. Well, I suppose she thought any effort is useless because in the end, we’ll be the ones bringing it to ourselves. But I think it’s better to end at Nature’s mercy. At least, we can’t completely attribute our fall with our foolishness. I think it’s better that way.

It would be a relief to see the world ending. As Donnie Darko said, finally, there’s so much to look forward to. To die with the world is the greatest honor there is. In the next plane, I’d have the right to brag: I saw the world when it was ending and nothing could be more beautiful than it.

Thirty Days (A Short Story)

The last thing I remembered were two bright lights fast approaching me, and then, everything went black.

Sometime later, I woke up in an unfamiliar room. Everything was so white. Everything was so hazy. I thought I was having a strange dream. After a while, my vision got better. I realized I was in a hospital. And then, I saw my mother sleeping on a couch on the right side of my bed.

I tried to call her. But my voice failed me. My mouth was so dry. I tried and tried until I managed to produce a hoarse cry. Then, she stirred. When she saw me, the expression on her face was difficult to grasp. One second it was shock, then later, it turned to anguish, and finally, it became unspeakable joy.

I never saw her moved that quickly. She got up and ran outside. Moments later, she came back. This time, she was with my father, my two younger sisters, a doctor and two nurses.

The doctor checked me, as if making sure that I was really awake. My mother and two younger sisters were sobbing; their eyes were dark and red. My father looked the same too, only that he seemed to be holding his tears back.

After the doctor checked me, he and the two nurses left the room. My family and I were silent for a while, only the sound of constant sniffing filled the room. I was starting to get teary-eyed, as well but I held back. I never felt this happy to see them again.

“What happened?” I finally asked.

My father cleared his throat, “You had an accident. You got hit by a car.”

“We thought we’re going to lose you,” said my mother who was still sobbing.

I recalled everything that happened. I was on my way home after school when the rain started to pour hard that night. I forgot to bring my umbrella so I was rushing to cross the street to get to a nearby waiting shed. And then, a fast approaching car suddenly appeared on my right side and I got hit.

“You fell into coma because of a blood clot in your head,” my mother said, still sobbing. “The doctor said that you would wake up after the operation, but you didn’t.”

“How long was I unconscious?”

“Thirty days,” my younger sister said.

“That long?” I was surprised, but I suppose it didn’t register because of the hoarseness of my voice.

The first thing that popped into my head was the hospital bill.

“I… How… We should –”

“Don’t worry about it,” said my father, who seemed to have read my mind. “You’re alive that’s what’s important.”

My father looked older than the last time I saw him. That was the first time I saw my father in person in five years. He worked overseas so we contacted each other only through video calls.

“What about your work, Pa?” I asked him. “You still have a year in your contract, right?”

“Stop worrying about us, Seb. It won’t be good for your health.”

A few days passed. The doctor said that I was already on my way to recovery, but since I was still weak, I still need to be confined. I wanted to go home, but my parents insisted.

One time, when I was left alone in my room, I tried to get out of bed. I knew that I was already strong enough to do that, but I waited until I was alone. I wanted to do that on my own. In the past, I never had thought that getting up could be that hard, but I persisted. I successfully managed to stand on my two feet. I slowly walked towards the comfort room. In the mirror, I saw myself for the first time since getting out of the coma. I looked horrible. My face was sunken. My eyes protruded from my skull. My skin was dry and coarse. My lips was chapped and cracked. When I brought my hands up to touch my face, I saw a strange pair of hands that was bony and skeletal.

I started crying. It was the first time since I got out of coma. My tears poured down. I wasn’t just crying. I was weeping convulsively. I was sobbing because of self-pity. I was sobbing because I was a burden to my parents again. I was sobbing because of reasons that didn’t make sense to me. But above all, I was sobbing because I was alive.

My father found me. Without saying any word, I embraced him – something I never ever did before. He hugged me back. Suddenly, I felt like a 10-year old boy again. I was sobbing and that was all I did.

Few more days passed. I was getting better. Before my discharge, a few old friends came to visit me, friends that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. A few schoolmates also dropped by.

I came back to school few weeks after my discharge.

Now, it has been a year since then. I look and feel better now. Life isn’t exactly better, but I’m just grateful that I’m alive.

Black

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The color of my soul is black,

the secrets I keep darkened it.

 

The color of my heart is black,

the grudges I harbor corrupted it.

 

The color of my rose is black,

the sorrows I suffer wilted it.

 

The color of my moon is black,

the dark I wallow extinguished it.

 

All about my life is black,

the fate I have doomed it.

Five Reasons I’ll Never Ever Gonna Marry

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Okay, it’s not that this should matter to you, nor to anyone else. But, just so you know, I’m writing this down for the sake of coming up with something productive with my boredom. Actually, I was into another “activity” before I finally decided to just write a blog post. The “other” activity was pleasurable, but I kept yawning, don’t know why. And besides, that they say is making my brain shrink, but that’s another story.

So here, I listed down the reasons why I decided not to ever marry or be in any kind of relationship for that reason. For a brief background, I’m already in my mid 20s, still a student (shame…), unemployed, (double shame…), and finally, still dependent to my parents (grand slam shame!)

  1. I don’t want complications.

Should I explain that? I believe that’s very self-explanatory, not to mention obvious. Life is complicated enough alone. How much more if you add other human beings into the equation? It’s a formula for life-long misery and sorrow. I believe pains and all kind of aches are better manageable when they’re self-inflicted. Why, you can always opt your way out. Like when you choose a college degree you ended up hating. Whether you continue to crawl your way in or out is completely up to you.  But when you decide to “settle down” and realize you other half isn’t exactly you expected him/her to be, the escape is trickier. Of course, you can always have your marriage annulled. Sorry, folks, divorce isn’t an option yet from where I came from. I know. It sucks. But, people, annulment is very, very expensive. It’s also an excruciatingly long process. So, yes, I’d rather be alone than stuck.

  1. When you’re married, your life is no longer yours.

Okay, again, I’m speaking about my culture and my opinion.

So, I’ve always been the “life has no purpose or meaning” kind of guy. I’m not exactly suicidal, but I’m saving that option should life come up with something I can no longer bear. The thing is, if I ever marry, I will have a better half to support. Then we will have children. There’s no longer just me. I will then have a family to feed – sometimes, an extended family even, but we’ll get to that in the next item. So, when things become too difficult to live with, I just can’t hang myself, or put a bullet through my head, or jump off the building.  What’s gonna happen to the family I’ll then be leaving behind? Sure, life will go on for them… eventually. But the ultimate point is that I will be transferring the pain to them, pain that they will be carrying for the rest of their lives. How cruel of a parent to do that to his/her children. So as early as now, better keep things to myself.

  1. In my country, when you marry someone, you marry his/her entire family.

Unfortunately, it’s so true. And I just can’t do that. If ever I lost my sanity and decided to marry anyway, I’d have to make her disown her family.

Take my family as an example. The paternal side of my extended family has always been a pain in the ass. They seemed to forget that their son is already married. Why, they keep asking for money every effin month. The reasons, I’ll give them credit for the brilliant ideas, are unique and urgent every time. Alright, I’m not really against helping them, you see. It’s just that sometimes, they go overboard. It’s the fact they forgot that my father has a family to support, plus the monthly bills, that really ticks me off.

It’s a reality, not just in my family. In my country, even one’s farthest relative has a say on what college degree you should choose, on who you should marry, and how you should live your life in general. Well, if anyone does that to me, they can f*ck off and burn in hell.

  1. I’m an anti-natalist.

I’m not so sure about the term, but I believe I read this one time when I fell deep into Wikipedia rabbit hole. Sorry, too lazy to google now. An anti-natalist, as I remember, is someone who believes that people should not reproduce because life’s value is ultimately negative. Any positive experience that one might get from life, if there’s any at all, is ultimately overwhelmed and overshadowed by all the pain, misery, and suffering that life has in store.

Ever since, I have always asked why I am here and have always wished I could just stop existing. I’ve always felt like I was born without my consent, because if I had, I wouldn’t choose to be born. Why would I want to be born?  This world is in the verge of chaos and destruction. People kill each other every day. People are slowly poisoning nature. Wars, diseases, and dirty politics. I must have gone crazy if I ever consented to my birth.

I won’t know if my future hypothetical offspring will ask these questions, see the world as I did, and regard life the same way I did. But I believe I owe it to them to spare them of the agony I’m going through right now. After all, life is still exactly the same way it was since the dawn of civilization. Otherwise, the concept of religion and philosophy wouldn’t have been realized.

  1. I’m a freak of Nature.

I wouldn’t expound on this one. But to give you an insight, I’m a freak. I’m an abomination. If God exists, then He must have cursed me. I’m unlike everyone else. Even among my kind, I’m a freak. I’m incapable of love and sex the same way normal human beings were made. So, I know, even if I give being normal a try, I would just fail. As Aesop said, nature will out. No matter what you do, your nature will prevail and it can never be changed. Fighting against it is like swimming against a strong current that you might as well let yourself drown and die.

 

So there you have it. Actually, I was to add a sixth one which would be “True love doesn’t exist,” but I decided against it. What do I know about love? I’ve never been in a relationship before so I wouldn’t know. And besides, I actually do think it does exist. How will I then explain why my parents still support me when I’m way past the age of consent? There’s should more to that than just parental obligation.

Never say never, they say. In the future, if I ever change my mind, it would just be a (happy?) coincidence. As of right now, I’m happy with being alone and single. And I intend to stay this way for as long as I can.

Life is too beautiful… It sucks.

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So…

We went to the doctor today. It wasn’t about me, though. I wish it was me anyway. I think I could handle it better. So, the doctor diagnosed  yet another from my family the same curse that “wrecked” me years ago. She’s sick.

Does God answer prayers? Wait, why am I asking this. But, why? What is this all about?

Stupid. Whether he does or not, I don’t know. I won’t ever know. It’s unknowable.

Life is both a gift and a curse. But more of a curse, really. We never ask to be born. Everything could have been much better in the pre-life state of nonexistence. But we’re here now. What can we do? Put a bullet through the head? Hang oneself by the neck? Put stones in the pocket of our jackets and drown in the river? In my religion, it’s bad. It’s a no-no. But seriously, is there ever a religion that says “Hey! Are you tired? Why not kill yourself? It’ll be fun!” Not that it really concerns me.

So, what’s gonna happen now?

So…

Just Another Shitty Day

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So…

After a useless internal debate whether to delete or reactivate, I logged into my account. The world went on without me. Crap. I change my profile picture. Seconds turned to minutes. Minutes dissolved to hours. Not a single like. Crap. Wait, why do I even bother? Why am I “seeking approval from strangers”? I hate that I can’t hate it.

Days ago, I read an online article about existential crisis. Lucky me! I have existential crisis! But, what’s new? I already knew it, I just didn’t know it by then. I checked wikiHow if there’s an article about it. Lo and behold! There it is. The step-by-step guide to get out of the muck called existential crisis. I read all through it. Then, what? Am I feeling better? Worst, as a matter of fact.

What do I do now? I quit my job months ago. My parents are sort of nagging me already. But I just can’t help it, you know. My first job taught me everything I need to know except to love a job. I hate subjecting myself to unaware, shallow, mundane organisms called Homo sapiens. Do this, do that, you will be rewarded. Petty! I don’t want money! I don’t want promotions! They can have all of it of they want it so badly.

I read an article on wikiHow about how to rant.

So…

Brothers of the Ink

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Two ink brothers went for a walk

Got themselves in a road that stalked

Which way to go, so the fray ensued

With each adamant his gut was true

Seeing the folly of such petty a slight

They took the path they saw was right

The brighter of the brace went bright

Found and basked in the Creator’s light

Whilst he who went the other way

Had himself in the cliff of disarray

Then beheld the world in what it truly is

A spectacle of horror woven into tapestries

In one sharp turn their roads met once more

Truth dawned, they were brothers no more.

The Angel of Death

So…

The thing is, I had read the first two books in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. After finishing the Sea of Monsters, I kinda got bored, not with the series (please don’t make the mistake of thinking like that, Rick Riordan books are simply amazing), but with everything, you know, with life, with how it sucks, blah, blah. So I put off finishing the series for quite a while.

Then, so happened, these past few days, I got bored again, not the “depressed” kind of bored, but the “bored” bored, you get the picture. So I rummaged through my collection of eBooks and another Riordan book series caught my attention. The sequel to the Percy Jackson original series which is the Heroes of Olympus series, so yeah.

To get the story – or review? Whatever! – short, I finished the series in a few days. The series is simply amazing. After reading the first installation, I thought that was my favorite, until I started reading the next, which immediately became my favorite. So that happened for the rest of the books, that to make things easier, I would just say all the five books are my favorites.

Why I’m writing this? I don’t know. I’m not really into writing book reviews or stuff. People just don’t care and I don’t care, as well. But I just can’t get over about one thing about the series that I felt the need to write about it, or I go insane.

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Nico di Angelo.

I love all the characters in Percy Jackson’s world, but Nico di Angelo – I just like saying his name completely – speaks the loudest to me. We are alike in a lot of things, in almost everything maybe except one thing. I am not a son of Hades. Which sucks.

I’ve read quite a number of books and series, but I’d never met anyone like him. He’s dark, struggling but coping awfully just fine, feels like he doesn’t belong, and prefers the darkness of solitude. And there’s that one thing as well, which I shouldn’t be explicitly writing about. I leave that to Nico to speak about. So, yeah.

So, why am I writing this? I don’t know. But these past few days, I was disillusioned and disoriented. I walked into the light, let people in, and rejoined society. So needless to say, I went haywire (is haywire even an adjective?) and messed up and troubled inside. My sense of identity got confused with how people thought I was. Silly me, really. But Nico di Angelo reminded me of my darkness that has always been my strength. I’m dark unlike everyone else and it’s okay. I just hoped that one day… No, never mind.

For the third time, why am I writing this? Hell, I really don’t know. I apologize for the time you spent reading this one shitty piece of a post. And okay, thank you.

So…

Life’s Different Shades

If you’re familiar with the song “It’s Gonna Make Sense” by MLTR, a line there goes like this: Life comes in different shapes. I remember quoting this line in a group discussion. Then, a friend replied with his own version: Life comes in different shades. While it is possible that he was just playing pun with the line, the phrase wasn’t completely senseless. In fact, it presented a very profound truth that most of us would rather take for granted. That is, we are living in a colorful world – in every sense of the word.

Color is everywhere. It doesn’t take an artistic eye to see that. But what some of us don’t know is that there is more to colors than just what they show.

ALL ABOUT HUE

Our favorite colors speak a lot about our personalities. People who have penchant for bright and light colors are always perceived as dynamic, friendly and positive. On the other hand, individuals who prefer the darker ones are often regarded as serious, composed and in some occasions, eccentric. However, this must not be used to completely judge a person. After all, our color preference is just a part what we are and not the other way around.

THE SCIENCE OF COLORS

It is a proven fact that colors have effect on how we think and feel. In general, colors can influence our mood. For example, in contact centers and other night shift jobs, almost every corner is painted with light colors that usually go with bright and warm illumination. I’ve read that this kind of environment can hinder our bodies’ production of hormones that causes drowsiness. In the same note, graveyard shift workers are advised to install black curtains in their rooms when trying to sleep in the morning. By doing so, they can fool their bodies with the “night effect”.

The color pink is also said to have a calming effect. In fact, prisons in some countries have their cells painted with this tint. Others also view this as torture because pink is too feminine – if not girlish.

And if your eyes ever get tired, don’t forget that the color green can do the trick. Well, that’s according to some grade school books I’ve had in the past. Just look at green, verdant things for quite some time and that’s it.

COLORFUL REPRESENTATIONS

In almost every work of fiction, one obvious thing that distinguishes the good from the evil ones is the color of their clothes. White has been the universal color for goodness and purity. Black, as always, is associated with the forces of evil. Dracula, the vampire from Bram Stoker’s novel of the same title, was known for this “dress-to-kill” attitude.

Fantasy books and movies also invest a great deal on this matter. The color red, for example, normally stands for fire. Its counterpart, the water element is generally represented by the shades of blue and green.

COLORS AND CLOTHES

In the world of style and glamour, colors play a significant role. One absolute rule that fashion experts always say: in dressing up, always play around with colors that complement well with your skin tone. In general, lighter skin tone goes well with darker hues and vice versa.

Furthermore, colors can also do magic. The color black has been said to have the so-called “slimming effect”. Once, my sister went to a party. Bent on trying something different, she sported a black velvet dress. When she came home that night, she shared how she was plagued with observations and compliments that she seemed to look more slender.

SUMMING UP

To wrap things up, colors are important aspect of our lives. From time to time, take the chance to enjoy them. After all, colors are made for our eyes to cherish. As I’ve said, life comes in different shades. It now depends on us which shade we will choose to see it.

Secrets Blacken the Soul

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Secrets. It’s something everybody has. Yet, it’s something nobody knows. Some too petty to be taken notice. Some too scandalous to be shared. But there are some secrets that are too dangerous and too dark. These secrets can cause one’s ruin once known. We then do everything to hide them. Some people wear mask. Some people wear armors. Some people deny they exists. Some people become defined through them. Anyway, secrets are secrets. Otherwise, they are not.

@};–

“All secrets are deep. All secrets become dark. That’s in the nature of secrets”

― Cory Doctorow

“Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets.”

― Paul Tournier

“Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.”
― Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard’s Almanack

“I’d learned that some things are best kept secret.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

“If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself.”
― George Orwell, 1984

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
― André Malraux

“A secret’s worth depends on the people from whom it must be kept.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind

“The best way of keeping a secret is to pretend there isn’t one.”
― Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

“I’ve learned that we’re all entitled to have our secrets.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

A secret is a kind of promise…. It can also be a prison.

– Jennifer Lee Carrell, Interred With Their Bones

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