Three Feet Above The Ground

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Three feet above the ground,
The world’s so much better around.
With my fetters finally cut loose,
High above I now finally can soar.
My prison hanging by the noose,
Glad it ended, what a piece of sore.
Of regrets if ever there is one,
It’s that sooner I should’ve it done.

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I Will Go To Sleep Tonight

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I will go to sleep tonight,
Everything will be alright.
Don’t wake me up in the morning,
I’ve flown to hear the angels sing.

It has been a beautiful dream,
But I know nothing in it is real.
It took me more than a whim,
To finally decide I had my fill.

On the table, I will leave this note,
So you’ll know it wasn’t your fault.
Promise I’ll be happy wherever I go,
It’ll make me more if you too will so.

Cut Me Open

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Cut me open and you will see,
How darkness constitutes me.
My sulfuric stench impures the air,
Don’t get too close I am but a mare.
My soul pales jet, pitch, and tar,
In its blackness nothing is at par.
Alive but already burning in hell,
What this is about I never will tell.

Tribute to the Queen (A Short Story)

It was a fateful day for the young man named Adonis. Any moment that day, his tribe’s special visitors would come and take him away.

He was left alone in his tent as he prepared himself. Ever since the Gargarean Elders had selected him to be the tribe’s tribute that year, he had not once thought of fleeing. His tribe did not need another senseless war.

Adonis was a striking young man. He had dark curly hair, a pair of dark piercing eyes and a face so perfect and divine. Not only was he handsome, he was also strong. He was his tribe’s finest warrior. It was for this reason that his father named him after the legendary man who had smitten Aphrodite, the goddess of love, and Persephone, the queen of the underworld. He might have been thankful, if not for the fact that it was the same gift that brought him down his cursed fate.

After the Gargareans were defeated by the Amazons few years ago, the Amazons had demanded that each year the Gargareans must select the best and the finest young men to be brought to Themyscira, the city of the Amazons, for obvious reasons. When the Elders announced that he was chosen, everyone didn’t look surprised. It was if it was decreed by Fates long before he was born. His fellow tribesmen looked worried for him. And he knew why. The Amazon queen Antianeira had a notorious reputation. She was known to cripple her lovers as she believed the lame best performs the acts of love. Many of the Gargarean tributes died due to complications. Some were unlucky to be able to live and be maimed for the rest of their lives.

Normally, tributes were delivered to the borders of Themyscira where a group of Amazons would be waiting for them and then be taken to the city. However, for that year, the Amazon queen had previously announced that she would personally fetch the tribute.

“Only one tribute?” Antianeira asked when she arrived. She looked fierce and menacing on her war chariot ornamented by spikes and human skulls as she was convoyed by a troop of Amazon warriors.

“Our humble apologies, My Lady,” said the Gargarean king. “Please understand that this year has been cruel to us. Famine has plagued our lands. Half of our number has fallen. Nevertheless, we hope that you’ll still be pleased by this year’s tribute. Adonis is as good as ten -”

“Adonis?” interrupted the Amazon queen.

“Yes, My Lady,” the Gargarean king went on. “That is his name. Adonis is the finest and best warrior our tribe has ever had. His mother is a tree nymph, making him half-divine in nature so-”

“I’ve heard enough. Show me this man.”

Adonis came out of the tent and walked slowly towards the queen. He met Antianeira’s cold gray eyes and held his gaze until the Amazon blinked.

“Very well,” said the Amazon queen. “Not as bad as I’ve thought.”

@};–

Adonis hadn’t seen much of Themyscira. At the borders of the city, the Amazons had his head covered. They cuffed his hands and collared his neck. As he couldn’t see anything, he tried to tread carefully on the uneven ground but was made impossible by the constant tugging at his neck collar. When they arrived at the palace, they gave him a hard blow at the back of his neck, knocking him off.

When he regained consciousness, he found himself suspended by the arms. He was naked save for a loincloth that draped over his loins. He was inside a cylindrical stone chamber. Down below him was a circular trench where his feet were weighed down by an iron ball.

“At last,” said a familiar voice. “I was afraid you’ll never wake.”

“Antianeira.”

“From the moment you came out of that tent and looked straight into my eyes, I know you’ll be different.”

“I know what you and your people want. Why don’t you just get on with it?”

“Oh, you have no idea what we want.” Antianeira ran her index finger from his chest down to his navel. “Much more what I want.”

“Trust me, I know,” Adonis smirked. “And you’ll never get it from me.”

A truncheon-weilding Amazon went in.

“I’m not so sure about that.” Antianeira turned to the other Amazon. “Anaea, you know what to do.”

The queen left, leaving Adonis with the Amazon Anaea.

Anaea was much more muscular than Antianeira. She had short dark hair and a square face. Her eyes shone with cruelty as she whispered to his ear, “Scream for me.”

@};–

After what Anaea did to him, Adonis could no longer feel his legs. He must had lost consciousness for the next thing he knew he was already in another chamber. He saw the Amazon queen straddling him. Like him, she was completely naked. He realized later that he was bound to the bed, in a humiliating spread-eagled position. Antianeira took no notice on him and went on with her frenzy. Adonis tried his best not to succumb but his nature got the best of him and gave the queen what she wanted.

Antianeira ultimately took off without him even producing a squeak. He didn’t want to give the queen the satisfaction at least on that matter.

“I’m impressed,” said Antianeira as she put on her white robe. “Let’s see how long you can keep that up.”

A door opened and a train of Amazons in white robes went in.

“I’ll be watching,” said Antianeira.

Adonis eventually lost count as to how many Amazons used him. In the end, he had never felt so sore and exhausted that he was left wondering how he could have possibly lasted. They, he deduced, must had done something to him while he was still unconscious for when he woke up, he felt like his entire body was burning. He was so close to passing out each time he climaxed which made keeping silent easier. Antianeira, however, was not pleased.

@};–

Adonis was chained to a wooden block like a cow waiting to be milked. He was moved to an arena where a host of Amazons were surrounding him in a semicircle.

“Let’s have a deal,” whispered Antianeira. “Produce not the slightest sound and I will let you go back to your beloved tribe. I also swear by the gods not to ever bother you again. Fail and I will have my warriors sack Gargarei. Do you understand?”

Adonis now noticed that the armored Amazons were wearing a strange contraption around their waists. Hanging between their thighs were wooden objects that came in a very familiar shape: a man’s implement.

The horror immediately dawned upon Adonis. Those objects looked impratically huge and gigantic. There was no way he could survive them.

As the onslaught began, Adonis was thankful he was gagged for he might have bitten his lips off. He silently prayed to all the gods for whatever aid they could give but to no avail. He thought they must also be watching from Olympus and taking pleasure on his turmoil. Nonetheless, with all his might, he stopped his own voice from betraying him. The only witnesses to his pain and anguish were his tears which flowed endlessly down his blood-red cheeks and the blood that generously oozed from his wrecked posterior.

As the final Amazon entered him, he ultimately passed out.

@};–

A year had passed since the Amazon freed Adonis. He was now the king of the Gargareans. In a month’s time, he would be leading an attack against the Amazons.

After the Amazons were done with him, Adonis was thrown off the borders of Gargarei. He had lost a lot of blood and was badly beaten. He was lucky to have survived and be able to walk again.

After he fully recovered, he convinced his fellow tribesmen to fight the Amazons. They spent the next year preparing for war and strengthening their force. He also sought the help of neighboring kingdoms and cities and successfully enlisted their help.

The Gargareans had succumbed to the Amazons many times in the past. This time around, he would make sure of it, Themyscira would fall.

I Want To See The World Ending

I want to see the world ending.

We live in a dying times. Brooding war between powerful nations, alarming depletion of natural resources, widespread bloodshed and violence, and a dying planet. Tell me, where do I find hope in this times?

We have reached the end of an era. We must be proud of ourselves. Human race has been able to last this long. But not for long. In case you haven’t realized it yet, we are the end. We are the specie Nature should never have given birth. We are the worst organism that has ever walked on this planet.

It’s a relief to see Nature finally striking back. We have done her so much wrong for so long that I’m left surprised why she hasn’t destroyed us yet. Well, I suppose she thought any effort is useless because in the end, we’ll be the ones bringing it to ourselves. But I think it’s better to end at Nature’s mercy. At least, we can’t completely attribute our fall with our foolishness. I think it’s better that way.

It would be a relief to see the world ending. As Donnie Darko said, finally, there’s so much to look forward to. To die with the world is the greatest honor there is. In the next plane, I’d have the right to brag: I saw the world when it was ending and nothing could be more beautiful than it.

Thirty Days (A Short Story)

The last thing I remembered were two bright lights fast approaching me, and then, everything went black.

Sometime later, I woke up in an unfamiliar room. Everything was so white. Everything was so hazy. I thought I was having a strange dream. After a while, my vision got better. I realized I was in a hospital. And then, I saw my mother sleeping on a couch on the right side of my bed.

I tried to call her. But my voice failed me. My mouth was so dry. I tried and tried until I managed to produce a hoarse cry. Then, she stirred. When she saw me, the expression on her face was difficult to grasp. One second it was shock, then later, it turned to anguish, and finally, it became unspeakable joy.

I never saw her moved that quickly. She got up and ran outside. Moments later, she came back. This time, she was with my father, my two younger sisters, a doctor and two nurses.

The doctor checked me, as if making sure that I was really awake. My mother and two younger sisters were sobbing; their eyes were dark and red. My father looked the same too, only that he seemed to be holding his tears back.

After the doctor checked me, he and the two nurses left the room. My family and I were silent for a while, only the sound of constant sniffing filled the room. I was starting to get teary-eyed, as well but I held back. I never felt this happy to see them again.

“What happened?” I finally asked.

My father cleared his throat, “You had an accident. You got hit by a car.”

“We thought we’re going to lose you,” said my mother who was still sobbing.

I recalled everything that happened. I was on my way home after school when the rain started to pour hard that night. I forgot to bring my umbrella so I was rushing to cross the street to get to a nearby waiting shed. And then, a fast approaching car suddenly appeared on my right side and I got hit.

“You fell into coma because of a blood clot in your head,” my mother said, still sobbing. “The doctor said that you would wake up after the operation, but you didn’t.”

“How long was I unconscious?”

“Thirty days,” my younger sister said.

“That long?” I was surprised, but I suppose it didn’t register because of the hoarseness of my voice.

The first thing that popped into my head was the hospital bill.

“I… How… We should –”

“Don’t worry about it,” said my father, who seemed to have read my mind. “You’re alive that’s what’s important.”

My father looked older than the last time I saw him. That was the first time I saw my father in person in five years. He worked overseas so we contacted each other only through video calls.

“What about your work, Pa?” I asked him. “You still have a year in your contract, right?”

“Stop worrying about us, Seb. It won’t be good for your health.”

A few days passed. The doctor said that I was already on my way to recovery, but since I was still weak, I still need to be confined. I wanted to go home, but my parents insisted.

One time, when I was left alone in my room, I tried to get out of bed. I knew that I was already strong enough to do that, but I waited until I was alone. I wanted to do that on my own. In the past, I never had thought that getting up could be that hard, but I persisted. I successfully managed to stand on my two feet. I slowly walked towards the comfort room. In the mirror, I saw myself for the first time since getting out of the coma. I looked horrible. My face was sunken. My eyes protruded from my skull. My skin was dry and coarse. My lips was chapped and cracked. When I brought my hands up to touch my face, I saw a strange pair of hands that was bony and skeletal.

I started crying. It was the first time since I got out of coma. My tears poured down. I wasn’t just crying. I was weeping convulsively. I was sobbing because of self-pity. I was sobbing because I was a burden to my parents again. I was sobbing because of reasons that didn’t make sense to me. But above all, I was sobbing because I was alive.

My father found me. Without saying any word, I embraced him – something I never ever did before. He hugged me back. Suddenly, I felt like a 10-year old boy again. I was sobbing and that was all I did.

Few more days passed. I was getting better. Before my discharge, a few old friends came to visit me, friends that I hadn’t seen in a very long time. A few schoolmates also dropped by.

I came back to school few weeks after my discharge.

Now, it has been a year since then. I look and feel better now. Life isn’t exactly better, but I’m just grateful that I’m alive.

Black

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The color of my soul is black,
The secrets I buried darkened it.

The color of my heart is black,
The grudges I harbored corrupted it.

The color of my rose is black,
The sorrows I bore poisoned it.

The color of my moon is black,
The darkness I thrived in shadowed it.

The color of my world is black,
The fate I had doomed it.

Five Reasons I’ll Never Ever Gonna Marry

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Okay, it’s not that this should matter to you, nor to anyone else. But, just so you know, I’m writing this down for the sake of coming up with something productive with my boredom. Actually, I was into another “activity” before I finally decided to just write a blog post. The “other” activity was pleasurable, but I kept yawning, don’t know why. And besides, that they say is making my brain shrink, but that’s another story.

So here, I listed down the reasons why I decided not to ever marry or be in any kind of relationship for that reason. For a brief background, I’m already in my mid 20s, still a student (shame…), unemployed, (double shame…), and finally, still dependent to my parents (grand slam shame!)

  1. I don’t want complications.

Should I explain that? I believe that’s very self-explanatory, not to mention obvious. Life is complicated enough alone. How much more if you add other human beings into the equation? It’s a formula for life-long misery and sorrow. I believe pains and all kind of aches are better manageable when they’re self-inflicted. Why, you can always opt your way out. Like when you choose a college degree you ended up hating. Whether you continue to crawl your way in or out is completely up to you.  But when you decide to “settle down” and realize you other half isn’t exactly you expected him/her to be, the escape is trickier. Of course, you can always have your marriage annulled. Sorry, folks, divorce isn’t an option yet from where I came from. I know. It sucks. But, people, annulment is very, very expensive. It’s also an excruciatingly long process. So, yes, I’d rather be alone than stuck.

  1. When you’re married, your life is no longer yours.

Okay, again, I’m speaking about my culture and my opinion.

So, I’ve always been the “life has no purpose or meaning” kind of guy. I’m not exactly suicidal, but I’m saving that option should life come up with something I can no longer bear. The thing is, if I ever marry, I will have a better half to support. Then we will have children. There’s no longer just me. I will then have a family to feed – sometimes, an extended family even, but we’ll get to that in the next item. So, when things become too difficult to live with, I just can’t hang myself, or put a bullet through my head, or jump off the building.  What’s gonna happen to the family I’ll then be leaving behind? Sure, life will go on for them… eventually. But the ultimate point is that I will be transferring the pain to them, pain that they will be carrying for the rest of their lives. How cruel of a parent to do that to his/her children. So as early as now, better keep things to myself.

  1. In my country, when you marry someone, you marry his/her entire family.

Unfortunately, it’s so true. And I just can’t do that. If ever I lost my sanity and decided to marry anyway, I’d have to make her disown her family.

Take my family as an example. The paternal side of my extended family has always been a pain in the ass. They seemed to forget that their son is already married. Why, they keep asking for money every effin month. The reasons, I’ll give them credit for the brilliant ideas, are unique and urgent every time. Alright, I’m not really against helping them, you see. It’s just that sometimes, they go overboard. It’s the fact they forgot that my father has a family to support, plus the monthly bills, that really ticks me off.

It’s a reality, not just in my family. In my country, even one’s farthest relative has a say on what college degree you should choose, on who you should marry, and how you should live your life in general. Well, if anyone does that to me, they can f*ck off and burn in hell.

  1. I’m an anti-natalist.

I’m not so sure about the term, but I believe I read this one time when I fell deep into Wikipedia rabbit hole. Sorry, too lazy to google now. An anti-natalist, as I remember, is someone who believes that people should not reproduce because life’s value is ultimately negative. Any positive experience that one might get from life, if there’s any at all, is ultimately overwhelmed and overshadowed by all the pain, misery, and suffering that life has in store.

Ever since, I have always asked why I am here and have always wished I could just stop existing. I’ve always felt like I was born without my consent, because if I had, I wouldn’t choose to be born. Why would I want to be born?  This world is in the verge of chaos and destruction. People kill each other every day. People are slowly poisoning nature. Wars, diseases, and dirty politics. I must have gone crazy if I ever consented to my birth.

I won’t know if my future hypothetical offspring will ask these questions, see the world as I did, and regard life the same way I did. But I believe I owe it to them to spare them of the agony I’m going through right now. After all, life is still exactly the same way it was since the dawn of civilization. Otherwise, the concept of religion and philosophy wouldn’t have been realized.

  1. I’m a freak of Nature.

I wouldn’t expound on this one. But to give you an insight, I’m a freak. I’m an abomination. If God exists, then He must have cursed me. I’m unlike everyone else. Even among my kind, I’m a freak. I’m incapable of love and sex the same way normal human beings were made. So, I know, even if I give being normal a try, I would just fail. As Aesop said, nature will out. No matter what you do, your nature will prevail and it can never be changed. Fighting against it is like swimming against a strong current that you might as well let yourself drown and die.

 

So there you have it. Actually, I was to add a sixth one which would be “True love doesn’t exist,” but I decided against it. What do I know about love? I’ve never been in a relationship before so I wouldn’t know. And besides, I actually do think it does exist. How will I then explain why my parents still support me when I’m way past the age of consent? There’s should more to that than just parental obligation.

Never say never, they say. In the future, if I ever change my mind, it would just be a (happy?) coincidence. As of right now, I’m happy with being alone and single. And I intend to stay this way for as long as I can.

Life is too beautiful… It sucks.

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So…

We went to the doctor today. It wasn’t about me, though. I wish it was me anyway. I think I could handle it better. So, the doctor diagnosed  yet another from my family the same curse that “wrecked” me years ago. She’s sick.

Does God answer prayers? Wait, why am I asking this. But, why? What is this all about?

Stupid. Whether he does or not, I don’t know. I won’t ever know. It’s unknowable.

Life is both a gift and a curse. But more of a curse, really. We never ask to be born. Everything could have been much better in the pre-life state of nonexistence. But we’re here now. What can we do? Put a bullet through the head? Hang oneself by the neck? Put stones in the pocket of our jackets and drown in the river? In my religion, it’s bad. It’s a no-no. But seriously, is there ever a religion that says “Hey! Are you tired? Why not kill yourself? It’ll be fun!” Not that it really concerns me.

So, what’s gonna happen now?

So…

Just Another Shitty Day

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So…

After a useless internal debate whether to delete or reactivate, I logged into my account. The world went on without me. Crap. I change my profile picture. Seconds turned to minutes. Minutes dissolved to hours. Not a single like. Crap. Wait, why do I even bother? Why am I “seeking approval from strangers”? I hate that I can’t hate it.

Days ago, I read an online article about existential crisis. Lucky me! I have existential crisis! But, what’s new? I already knew it, I just didn’t know it by then. I checked wikiHow if there’s an article about it. Lo and behold! There it is. The step-by-step guide to get out of the muck called existential crisis. I read all through it. Then, what? Am I feeling better? Worst, as a matter of fact.

What do I do now? I quit my job months ago. My parents are sort of nagging me already. But I just can’t help it, you know. My first job taught me everything I need to know except to love a job. I hate subjecting myself to unaware, shallow, mundane organisms called Homo sapiens. Do this, do that, you will be rewarded. Petty! I don’t want money! I don’t want promotions! They can have all of it of they want it so badly.

I read an article on wikiHow about how to rant.

So…

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